


It’s for lovers (orjustfriends) This is why I do it.

by darknecessities



Category: Panic! at the Disco, Ryan Ross - Fandom, The Young Veins, brendon urie - Fandom
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, Ryden, myrtle beach
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 08:02:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24966400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darknecessities/pseuds/darknecessities
Summary: Here’s my interpretation of what happened at Myrtle Beach on June 24, 2006. Of course it’s probably not what *actually* happened but hey, I can dream!
Relationships: Brendon Urie/Ryan Ross
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	It’s for lovers (orjustfriends) This is why I do it.

“Come on! You walked all this way, don’t wimp out on us now,” Brendon whines at me as he unzips his stupid purple hoodie and tosses it onto the sand.

“I walked all this way because I didn’t want to be alone in the stinky-ass bus,” I scowl. I’m not actually as grumpy as I appear most of the time, but it just comes naturally to me at this point… I can’t really help it. “I’ll just sit back and watch you guys be idiots and get hypothermia.”

Brendon makes puppy eyes at me whenever he doesn’t get his way, and tonight is no exception. Normally I would just brush him off and ignore him until he goes to find someone else to bother, but right now… I don’t know. It’s something in the way the moon reflects in his eyes that makes it a lot harder for me to say no. “Fiiiine…” I grumble. “But only a little bit, I don’t have a death wish—unlike you freaks.”

Brendon lets out what can only be described as a squeal as he quickly yanks his shirt off over his head and works at slipping out of his ridiculously tight jeans. 

As I start to unbutton my own shirt, Greta calls out to us from the ocean. “Hurry up, slowpokes! We’re gonna use up all the water if you guys go any slower.”

A sudden wave of self-consciousness washes over me as I see everyone completely undressed and splashing around in the water. It’s not like I haven’t seen it before, and it’s not like they haven’t seen me like that before either. But I just… can’t. I resolve to roll my slacks up to above my knees. 

“What are you doing?” Brendon asks, slightly outraged. Brendon, standing in front of me, stark naked. Jesus Fucking Christ.

“Rolling my pants up, because unlike you who will jump at any opportunity to take your clothes off, I have self respect.” I bullshitted that completely, but I think it sounded at least somewhat convincing.

Brendon rolls his eyes at me and mutters a “Suit yourself, party pooper” before grabbing my hand and yanking me forward. I stumble as we sprint down to the water, and my stomach flutters for some stupid reason. I let go of him when I feel the water lapping at the cuffs of my pants, but he just pouts at me and swims slowly through the cold water until he’s reached the rest of the group. I don’t bother to pretend I’m not watching the curve of his ass as he swims away.

“Ryan! Come on!” Spencer yells at me.

“I’m fine on my own, dude,” I call back to him, then occupy myself with staring up at the stars. I’ve forgotten how bright they are. The city lights in LA and Vegas all but drown them out completely. The waves lap at my calves as my feet sink into the sand, and I suddenly feel sad.

Why can’t I be more like Brendon? Like Jon and Spencer? Like a semi-normal human? Why do I constantly consider the consequences of every action I take? Why can’t I just be… I don’t know, spontaneous? Fuck.

I shiver as droplets of water land on my bare chest, and watching my friends splash around and holler at the sky, everything suddenly feels kind of pointless. My feet carry me back to the shore.

Laying spread eagle on the sand, I’m back to staring at the stars and trying to block out the sounds of everyone having fun. 

“Hey.” I’m not sure how long I’ve been lying here, but I open my eyes to see Brendon standing beside me, kicking at my leg as he looks down at me. Thankfully, he has his clothes back on. “Whatcha doing?”

I shrug and gesture vaguely up at the sky. “Stars,” I say simply. “What are you doing? Why’d you come back?”

“It was cold. And also, I wasn’t having fun without you.” His voice is all soft and gentle, and it makes me smile. I expect him to give me the puppy eyes and beg me to go back into the ocean with him, but the request doesn’t come.

I pat the sand beside me. “Have a seat, then.”

Brendon lowers himself onto the sand and lays down next to me. “It’s funny to think that these are the same stars over Vegas,” he says quietly. 

“Yeah.” 

We lay there in awkward silence for a moment, and it’s my fault since I can never figure out what to say. Brendon eventually sighs, scoots a bit closer to me, and whispers, “Can I ask you a question?”

“Ask away.” I turn my head to look at him, but upon noticing just how close that puts our lips, I stare back up at the night sky. 

“How do you do it? Be you, I mean?”

The question catches me off guard, and I’m not quite sure what he means. 

“You’re so calm and collected and you never make stupid decisions and you’re just so... how do you do it?” Over the course of his explanation, our hands somehow managed to inch closer, my pinky finger now brushing against his. 

I can’t help but laugh at the question, because who in their right mind would want to be like me? “Bren, trust me. Being me is not nearly as good as you make it sound. When you think I’m calm and collected, there’s a good chance I’m on the verge of one of the panic attacks I’ve gotten so good at hiding. And not making stupid decisions?” I scoff. “Do you know what it’s like to weigh the pros and cons of basically everything you say and do?”

Brendon is silent for a moment, but then says “No, I can’t say that I do.”

My pinky finger is twisted around his at this point, and it gives me a little more confidence to say what I want to say. “It’s not just that I don’t make stupid decisions... I barely make decisions, period. I try so hard to be in the moment, be how you and the other guys are, but it’s impossible. I can’t do it.”

“Ry?” he says, barely above a whisper. 

“Mhm?”

“It’s funny. You wanna be like me and I wanna be like you, but I guess neither one is very ideal.”

I think for a moment as my fingers slowly intertwine themselves with Brendon’s, almost of their own accord. “What’s it really like to be you, then?” I whisper. 

“I don’t know, I just feel like such a liability sometimes. It’s so hard to control the things I say and do, and a lot of the time when I do stuff without thinking about it, it makes me so...” he sighs as he trails off, and I brush my thumb across the top of his hand in an attempt at a comforting gesture. He opens his mouth to continue, but is cut off by Spencer yelling at us from further down the beach. 

“We’re gonna go break into a swimming pool, you’re welcome to join us! Or you can just be boring, your choice.”

Without waiting for Brendon to say something and without weighing the situation in my mind, I call out “Go without us, we’ll be boring!”

I hear him grumble, but I turn my attention back to Brendon. “So,” I say as I turn onto my side to be able to see him better. “You were saying?”

He smiles slightly, but there’s a sadness in his soft features that makes my heart sink. “It’s just that a lot of the time, there’s a stupid voice in my head that makes me doubt whether or not I’m wanted, you know?” His voice cracks slightly, and it takes everything in my power not to wrap him in my arms and whisper sweet nothings to him until he realizes just how much he’s wanted. Just how much I want him. 

A single tear rolls down his face, and I wipe it away with my free hand. “I don’t think you know just how much you’re wanted,” I whisper to him, and he smiles. 

“You’re just saying that.”

“I’m not, I’m really not. I swear to you, the moment you walked into the fucking basement two years ago, I wanted you. I wanted you in my band, as my friend, in my life...” my heart swells in my chest but I stop myself, because if I talk any longer, I just know that I’ll give myself away. Changing the course of things, I laugh and say “God, we’re so emo.”

Brendon smiles at me, and his face looks so fucking pretty in the moonlight. “I just wish it could be different though,” he mutters. 

Without thinking too much about what I’m doing, I reach out with my free hand to cup his face. “I want you to imagine that we’re in a world where there’s no judgment,” I whisper. “Nothing you say or do is wrong, nothing you say or do makes you a liability, nothing you say or do makes you unwanted. What’s the first thing you do?”

“You sound like some odd mix of a therapist and a teen vogue quiz,” he giggles softly. “But umm... close your eyes.”

I do as he tells me, and my heart picks up an annoying amount of speed. He rolls away from me and I hear him stand up. Part of me is afraid that he’ll leave me here or something, because I did say nothing he could do was wrong, but maybe I should open my eyes just to check, maybe-

“FUCK!” I bellow as cold water splashes across my chest. I open my eyes to see Brendon sitting beside me and looking down with an innocent grin on his face. I roll my eyes and mutter, “God, you’re such a child.”

“As long as you still want me, then fine,” he grins. Maybe it’s something in his tone, but I suddenly become hyper aware of his eyes on me, the way they’re flicking across my bare chest, the way he’s not exactly trying to hide the fact that he’s staring at me. 

“It’s your turn.” Brendon motions for me to sit across from him, so I do. My stomach flutters as he grabs my hands in his own. “I want you to imagine that we’re in a world where there are no consequences, no repercussions for anything you do. You do what you want to without thinking about it, because no matter what, it’ll be the right decision. What’s the first thing you do?”

My heart picks up speed once again, because I really want to kiss him. “No consequences?” I whisper. 

“None.” He’s staring at me so intently, and part of me hopes he wants the the same thing as I do. “Nothing you do or say is wrong.”

“Okay. Umm... close your eyes.” His eyes flutter shut, and I place my hand on his cheek. Shit, am I actually going to do this?

No consequences. 

I lean in and connect my lips with Brendon’s. 

His lips are so soft, and he tastes like the ocean. It’s not the perfect storybook first kiss by any means, but it’s ours. Our first kiss. 

Okay, we’ve kissed before. But this isn’t some stupid experiment. This isn’t a kiss on a dare, or a kiss when we’re a little bit buzzed. This isn’t a scripted onstage kiss to make fans scream. This is just us, us and the sea, and in my book that makes it perfect. 

I pull away much sooner than I want to, and Brendon opens his eyes and smiles bashfully. 

“You have no idea how much I was hoping you were gonna do that.” Even in the dark, I can still tell that he’s blushing profusely. 

“Oh?”

He nods and grins down at the sand. But I want him to look at me, so I place a finger under his chin and tilt his head up. “Do you feel more wanted now?” I ask softly. 

“If I say yes, would that be a reason for you not to kiss me again?”

I laugh and lean in close to him. My lips are just barely brushing against his, and quietly I murmur, “No. It wouldn’t make me want you any less.”

At that, Brendon kisses me. 

I close my eyes and give into it. I’m not entirely sure it’s real until I feel him bite at my lower lip, feel my hands begin to wind their way into his hair. The sand and the sea all but fade away completely, because right now all that I know is him. Him him him. Brendon. 

His hands are running their way across my chest, and I shiver slightly at the touch as I kiss him even harder. There’s a voice in my head fighting for control, questioning everything I do, asking me where this is going and what the fuck I’m doing... but Brendon taught me to live in the moment. And that’s what I’m going to do, at least for tonight. 

Slowly, I push him down into the sand until I’m lying on top of him, still kissing fiercely. He grumbles something about how he’s getting sand in his hair, and I can’t help but laugh at him just a bit. I move my lips away from his and instead place soft kisses along his jawline and neck as my hands find the zipper of his stupid purple hoodie. Beneath it, his smooth skin is hot to the touch, and I can feel his heart racing as I tug off the jacket and toss it to the side. 

He looks up at me then, eyes wide and unsure. 

“This okay?” I ask, a little breathlessly. 

“Yeah... yeah, I think so.”

“We don’t have to do this, Bren. It’s okay if you’re not ready.”

But I feel his thumb at the waistband of my pants, and when he whispers “I’m fine,” I stop worrying and believe him.

***

After.

I’m lying beside him in the sand, the occasional wave washing up against my feet. I trace nonsense patterns on his chest. When he looks over at me and smiles contentedly, my heart swells for the millionth time tonight. He’s so beautiful. He’s fucking glowing.

“What?”

“Nothing.” I kiss his shoulder. 

“You were gonna say something, Ry.”

I laugh and plant another soft kiss against his skin. “Okay fine, I was just going to ask, umm… is Dream right?” Brendon looks confused, so I elaborate. “You know, with the ‘secret.’ Is it true?”

“Oh, that.” He grins, almost embarrassedly. “It’s not true anymore, obviously. But kinda, yeah. I mean, I’ve done things, but never like that, never with…”

“A dude?” I suggest with a smirk.

He just nods and curls in closer to me. “We should probably get going soon,” he whispers after awhile.

“Who’s the party pooper now? Jeez.”

But slowly, reluctantly, we sit up and begin the struggle of putting our wet, sandy clothes back on. I have no idea where I left my shirt before going swimming, and at this point I don’t really care. It’s a new experience, not caring. I think it’s all Brendon’s fault.

We trek the mile-ish back to where the bus is parked, talking the whole way but not really saying much of anything. My hand is clasped in his, and I can’t stop smiling. Brendon. He makes me feel like a fucking middle schooler again. I used to feel stupid about my crush on him, about the way he made my heart skip so many beats it was almost dangerous. But now? It doesn’t feel so dumb anymore. I squeeze his hand when we get to the bus, but then let it drop as we step inside since I’m not sure if anyone’s in here yet. 

Zack is sitting in the lounge, looking like he’s about to doze off. He informs us that the rest of the band went over to The Hush Sound’s bus and will be back eventually unless they get murdered. 

Zack closes his eyes again, and Brendon leads me to the bunks. “We should wash up now, yeah?”

“Yeah.” If the bus shower was bigger, I have every confidence that we’d wash up together. But as it is, I can barely fit in that thing by myself, so I sadly volunteer to go first. All alone.

Afterwards, I sit in my bunk (the curtain is halfway open in an invitation that I hope Brendon will accept) and begin to type out a LiveJournal entry about tonight. About the salt and the sea and the secrets that spilled from our lips. About living in the moment, about taking chances. About the tear that slipped down Brendon’s cheek, about the kisses that we shared. About him. About love.

“Hey.” He’s smiling softly down at me, his sweatpants hanging low on his hips and his hair a wet, tousled mess. 

“Hi.”

“What’s going on?”

I scoot up against the wall, trying to make enough room for both of us in my bed. “LiveJournal. About you, of course,” I smile.

Brendon sits beside me and draws the curtain closed, then curls up against me and reads the entry over my shoulder. “It’s for lovers,” he whispers.

“Or just friends,” I say. He smiles softly, and I plant a kiss on the tip of his nose. I lay down and pull him close to me. Wrap him in my arms. His back against my chest. 

“Goodnight.” Brendon sighs softly, contentedly. I smile against his shoulder blade.

This. 

This is why I do it.

**Author's Note:**

> 6-25-06 01:21:28 PDT - (No Subject)
> 
> The moon bred new Atlantic life tonight.the salt burned you right out of my eyes.and secrets we’re not proud of were taken with the tide. We were all newborns with blurred vision and no sense of direction.
> 
> Today I saw cancer, cigarettes and shortness of breath.   
> this is why I walk to the ocean.swim with jellyfish.I may never get this chance again.   
> this is why if you want to kiss you should kiss.   
> If you want to cry you should cry, and   
> if you want to live you should live.   
> You don’t have to love me. You already did. At least enough to keep me smiling from South Carolina to Virginia.it’s for lovers (orjustfriends)   
> This is why I do it.


End file.
